#3: on moving on, associations, and leaving traces

"Just move on."

Three simple words that somehow find their way into every difficult situation. They're whispered by friends after breakups, offered as career advice after rejection, slipped into conversations about grief like some kind of emotional shortcut.

As if our hearts and minds came with a fast-forward button we simply forgot to press.

But how easy is it, really?

The Myth of "Moving On"

I've been thinking about this concept of "moving on" lately. When people tell us to "move on," they mean well. They want us to stop hurting. But I don't think we actually move on from our experiences - not completely.

What actually happens is far more complex. Our brains (specifically the ventral tegmental area or VTA for the neuroscience nerds among us) go through something almost like withdrawal when we lose connections or experiences we valued. Eventually, this settles, not because we've "moved on," but because we've learned to live alongside our memories.

The gist is that we don't move on. We expand around our experiences. We build new neural pathways. We create additional stories. But those experiences still live inside us. They've changed us in small or big ways.

And maybe that's exactly how it should be.

The Unconscious Associations

Which brings me to associations - it's wild how our brains link people to the most random things.

We don't consciously decide to link a particular food or milkshake with someone we hang out with. We don't deliberately choose to associate a certain cafe or OOTD videos with a friend. It just happens.

It's only when those people exit our lives that we suddenly realize how many things they've quietly claimed in our mental space. That one song on the radio. That corner table at the coffee shop. Sometimes entire cities become filled with memories we didn't even realize we were making.

These associations are both beautiful and brutal. They're evidence of how deeply we connect with others, how our individual experiences become inextricably linked. But they're also what makes "moving on" such an oversimplification.

The Beauty of Leaving Traces

So if we don't really move on, and if our associations stick around, where does that leave us?

I've started thinking about it in terms of traces. Like footprints in the sand.

Everything we do, every interaction we have, every relationship we build leaves traces both in our lives and in others'. Rather than seeing these traces as something to eliminate in order to "move on," what if we viewed them as evidence of a life fully lived?

The song that reminds you of someone? A trace of connection. The joke that still makes you smile even though the person is gone? A beautiful trace of shared joy.

Instead of rushing to erase these traces in the name of "moving on," perhaps we can be grateful for them. They're proof that we've touched others and been touched in return. They're evidence that we've been brave enough to create connections, even knowing they might not last forever.

Life isn't perfect. People come and go. We have amazing days and terrible ones too. But through it all, we leave traces and carry traces of others.

That said, I'm trying to focus less on "moving on" and more on intentionally leaving positive traces wherever I go. A kind word. A moment of genuine connection. A small act of generosity. These are the traces that might live in someone else's associations, whether or not our paths diverge.

Because these traces make up the story of our lives. They're the evidence that we were here, that we mattered to someone, that our existence made a difference, however small.

TL;DR: Maybe instead of "moving on," we can think about "carrying forward" - taking the traces of our experiences with us as we continue to grow and create new connections, new associations, new traces.

Fin.

Tweet for thought: