#9: i was lost in q1

Rant alert: I was lost in Q1.

(this was emotional for me to write out, despite being very surface level; every word brings a whole different memory and hence it was tough)

Picked up my notes from January today. Had some audacious goals written.

Pushups, deadlifts, a certain number, personal projects, upskilling, cold outreach, everything laid out in detail.

Where I'm today wrt those? Probably not even 50% there.

Though I made good progress in comparison to last year in terms of clarity and quality of life.

But I'm pissed, disappointed for sure.
At the same time, I don't regret at least 2/3rd of it.

I know I had to go through certain things.

I had to go broke before I could make a comeback.
I had to break down to stand back up.
I had to lose people to find even more.

I had to go on certain trips and experience life outside of my 4 walls to actually know what life feels like.

I had to have certain experiences, heartbreaks, betrayals, and uncertainties to know what it feels like to be seen and heard.

I had to fall sick multiple times to know who was/is by my side.

I had to lose clients to land more and to realize that I still have it in me.

I had to touch rock bottom to know what it actually feels like to rise up.

I had to have fuck up my health to realize what a privilege it is to be healthy and not hurt all the time.

I had to be subconsciously MIA certain times to know who cared.

I had to. I had to hurt to feel love again.

I had to grieve before I could feel again.

I had to lose to get on the path to win again.

Maybe Q1 wasn't so bad.

Maybe all the bad things were just preparing me for the good.

Maybe all the tears were bringing a sense of relief sooner or later.

Maybe it was just all a part of the plan.

Maybe I’m healing.

Maybe.

…